A happier New Year?

I suppose it's best that it happened this way.  Because now I truly will have a fresh start on January 1.  But that doesn't help that fact that I'm sick to my stomach.  Sick to my stomach because I feel tricked and I feel like a fool.

Back story: Girl meets guy.  They go out to dinner.  It's fun.  They go out again. It's also fun.  Communication ensues.  Girl is hopeful.  A little time passes and then guy is suddenly in relationship with someone else.  End of that story.

Despite my coworkers' advice that I not dwell on this, I cannot help it.  I feel so many things and none of them good.

I feel angry.  I was led on and lied to.  I was honest and I got deception.

I feel sad.  I was hopeful that this could be someone I could get close to in the future but instead I'm disappointed. And I'm hurt that I couldn't garner the truth from another human being.

The most painful thing of all is that I'm seeing a serious trend among the male population that I pursue. They like me.  But they don't want to date me.  Which is ironic because I don't exactly seek the approval of the masses.  I'm really just looking for someone to be my other half.

So I'm left wondering what it is about me that makes history repeat itself.  What am I missing that should be a warning flag?  What is it about me that draws this to me like a moth to a flame?

I know enough to be certain that this will pass and that what I'm feeling is just as much anger as it is pain.  Because I know deep down that I didn't deserve this; that's what pisses me off the most.

I don't have much desire to stay up late and watch the Ball drop tonight.  It was fun back home with my mom.  It was okay counting down last year as we celebrated in Cap Hill.  This year?  I feel inclined to sleep it away.

Wishing I could run back home to San Diego.

Getting comfortable with reality

The time since my last post has witnessed a lot of change.  Good and...not so good.

• I received a full-time job in the office where I had previously been working part-time.  I'm now a contributing member of society and I've been able to cast aside some of my woes. (Keyword: some, because what's life without a little drama?)

• I bought my first car.  His name is Rudi and he's a silver VW Jetta (aka baby Audi).  He's my main man and I love speeding down the freeway with him.

• I'm once again an Amazon on the prowl.  This is a very mixed bag.

It's been an interesting transition from spring to summer to fall.  People in the know ask how I'm doing, which in itself is an interesting question-

When you ask someone "How are you?" what do you expect to hear?  "I'm good, thanks" or "Well, I've been better."  Do people ask with sincerity or just formality?  I know that I myself am guilty of this.  It's such an automatic exchange of pleasantries that even if I'm feeling down I don't think I'd unleash my melancholia on someone.  This is a sad commentary on society if it's the norm these days.  I want people to tell me if they're having a bad day; let me try and take your mind off things for a brief moment or two.  Oppositely, I'd like to know that someone sincerely wants to know how I'm doing rather than giving me an opportunity to practice my stoicism.

Given this, I try and temper the honesty.  I don't always flash a bright smile and say that everything is dandelions and sunshine.  I'll confess to stumbling a few times.  I'm also guilty of taking a less than desirable situation and turning it into something far worse than the reality at hand.

When I'm reminded of the generous people who surround me, it gets a little brighter.  I believe that's the key.  It's a constant struggle but this was never guaranteed to be easy.  That's what makes Amazons so awesome anyways, right?  Our ability to overcome.


bis bald

Curveball Ahead

Not this most recent weekend, but the weekend before I was blindsided by some news that I was NOT expecting.  And while the immediate shock numbed a lot of it, and it's taken me awhile to process the information, reality is starting to set in and my world has surely been rocked.

The specific details aren't important because anyone can relate to what it feels like to take a curveball head-on and walk away hurting.  Sufficed to say, one of my biggest fears could be coming true again and it's left me feeling vulnerable and weak and inadequate.


And I hate that feeling.


I hate feeling as though I'm crumbling from within.  The gym can only take me so far and then I must rely on my own inner strength to carry me the rest of the journey.  The dread comes not from fearing that this will persist forever, but instead that I don't know how long it will endure.

My Amazon sister gave me some wonderful advice (in poetry form, no less!) today as we were lamenting these latest woes.  I'm happy to say that it lifted my spirits, even if only momentarily, and I was reminded of the incredible strength that we can derive from our closest friends.

Hopefully each and every one of us have at least one or two of these remarkable people in our lives and I can't stress enough how important it is to keep them close.  I rarely cry in front of people (chalk it up to my ego) but I know I can let my guard down with this select few.

Additionally I have learned that there is nothing wrong with admitting pain.  It's taken me a long time to get to this point but I can (somewhat) comfortably admit that "I'm not in a good place" if that's how I happen to be feeling.

I hope this provides you with a small bit of comfort if/when you deal with your own curveball.  By nature we cannot predict them and therefore they usually strike harder than we'd like.  So accept that you've been hit.  Let the sting sink in and spread until your eyes well up with tears.  And then let someone give you a hand back up onto your feet.


I'm not out of the woods yet, perhaps I've only just begun the journey through, but I'll find my way again.


In the meantime, I have to learn how to "take care of me."  I have no idea what that means but everyone keeps telling me to do so.  More to come...

Proving My Worth

Happy Monday Amazons!

If you're like me, you probably feel like the weekend wasn't nearly long enough and you're probably feeling a little grumpy because it's Monday.  Yes yes, we all know the feeling.

Surprisingly enough, though, I haven't felt too badly today.  This despite the following:

• it IS Monday afterall
• woke up @ 4:45AM, rather than 5:00AM
• it's been a killer slow day at work
• didn't get nearly enough time with my guy this weekend

This week I am working full 8-hour days while the main secretary in our office takes a much needed vacation (to San Diego no less!); I'm in charge of keeping things running smoothly while she's away (hence the title).  Okay, so it's not a super tough gig, especially on a quiet, uneventful day such as this one.

But to make things a little easier, I'm happy to report that it is a beautiful day here in Seattle!

Perhaps Spring has finally sprung!

 I'm also happy to report that I feel as though I'm doing a good job in my coworker's absence.  One more little notch of experience that I can add to my resume.  I'll concede that working in an office setting is not my idea of a Dream Job.  Can't I just get paid to travel the world and eat good food?  No?  Well that's disappointing.  But I will say this: I've learned a lot in the 6 months that I've worked here at the medical center.  I won't be curing cancer or forging peace in the Middle East, but I handle wayward patients who call our office and you'll never meet a better mail-sorter in your life.  Plus I like it here and it is my hope that I'm slowly but surely proving my abilities to my coworkers and superiors.

As far as the workouts go, I'm satisfied (somewhat) with where I'm at.  Haven't tried running since my doctor's appointment several weeks ago and I will say that the pain seems to have subsided for the most part.  There are always the occasional flare-ups and quite often I get some twinges of pain when on the elliptical.  But I don't let it stop me because I'm made of tougher stuff than that.

                            "Pain is weakness leaving the body." -Unknown

 The abs are coming along nicely; perhaps I'll never have a six-pack (nor do I think I want one) but I'm sure not a Flabby Florence either.

I was the recipient of some playful teasing this weekend.  Friends were discussing a dish, called the Garbage Can to be exact, served at a neighborhood bar and everyone was oooing and ahhing about how delicious it sounded; everyone except me.  Apparently I had a grimace on my face, though I'd never know it because I seemed to be perpetually unaware of my facial expression at any given time.  Anyways, I was deemed too healthy and conscientious to appreciate such fare.  A title that I gladly accept and wear with pride.  Wouldn't you want it as well?

I'm a lean, mean, fridge-demolishing machine!

Countdown Has Reached 0

Obtained via Google Images

Happy Monday Amazons:

I'm back from my Bavarian getaway in Leavenworth this past weekend.  It was marvelous in all senses of the word and it was just what was needed if life is going to get a little crazier in the coming weeks (which it very well may.)

I return to Seattle well-rested (if not a few pounds heavier, because that's what carbs and Black Forest Cake tends to do) and good thing because tonight WE PARTY!!!

For those of you scratching your heads right now, tonight is the night that Maroon 5 performs at Key Arena here in Seattle.  They'll be joined by Owl City and Neon Trees but let's not kid ourselves, we spent the money that we spent because I'm going to marry Adam Levine.  He needs to find a nice Jewish girl that he can bring home to his mother and that girl is ME.

Okay, just kidding.  I won't pretend to actually be that delusional but it makes for laughs.  I have been eagerly anticipating this night since all the way back in October when I bought the tickets.  I also have my sign that I made.  It's classy yet to-the-point. Don't you agree?

As a result of my Maroon 5 date tonight, I think it will be highly unlikely that I make it to the gym tomorrow morning.  It's unfortunate that I'll be missing another workout given that I didn't go when we were in Leavenworth (though I got all kinds of other physical activity) but even I can't justify stumbling bleary-eyed into the gym on just a few hours of sleep.  I've got some errands to run tomorrow after work but my hope is that I'll have enough fuel to do some crunches and perhaps some yoga.  It's anyone's guess what kind of condition I will be in tomorrow but I want to be as functional and coherent as possible when I get to work.

A lot of people talk about balance: living a balanced life, finding balance, eating a balanced diet.  My idea of balance is probably a little skewed in the eyes of many other people.  I like to think of it as balancing everything else around the gym and maintaining a healthy body.  But it's been a long road since I first decided that enough was enough and that I wasn't happy with myself. 

Start slow Amazons.  Swap out the French fries for a side salad.  Walk around the block.  And make sure there is plenty of Maroon 5 in your life and you surely can't go wrong!

Until next time Amazons!

The Crux of the Affordable Care Act

Oh Amazons, it's finally Friday.  Thank goodness because I've been chomping at the bit to have this weekend within reach!  My stud is taking me to Leavenworth, WA as my belated Christmas/Hanukkah present and I couldn't be more excited.

Unfortunately my excitement and enthusiasm, about spending the weekend with him in Washington's Bavarian Getaway, has been tempered by my disappointment in learning how expensive and limited health insurance is for an individual to acquire here in WA state.  I've known for a while that the health insurance provided through my mother's work would not cover me if I just walked in to a doctor's office, but only recently did I learn that my doctor will not refer me to a doctor up here (which would allow me to receive coverage).  Compounding the problem is my recent flare-up with knee problems and my FOURTH referral to a physical therapist.

For those of you who have never experienced physical therapy, it is an expensive (though often worthwhile, if not tedious) process.  Keyword: expensive.  So here I sit between a rock and a hard place: continue on as I have and wait to see how painfully sore my knees become or shell out a lot of $$$ for treatment.  Without insurance, physical therapy is expensive.  With WA state insurance (which may or may not even cover PT), I'll be paying $100/month PLUS a $1000 annual premium before the insurance coverage will actually kick in and do anything for me.

Now I don't know about you, but I'm a relatively healthy individual.  I rarely get sick and usually only go to the doctor for annual exams, etc.  And I can say with complete 100% honesty that I never thought I would be in the position of sitting here, experiencing the reality of life without health coverage.

I love our President; I voted for him in 2012 and I believe that overall he is doing the best he can do for our country.  I believe that the Affordable Care Act (call it Obamacare if you want) is something that will ultimately do more good than many of its opponents believe.  Unfortunately right now I don't see how it's helping me.  So many of the proposed changes have to be phased in over the span of YEARS (which my inner intellectual can understand) but that leaves so many people without help NOW.

I need to step back and say that I'm not homeless, hungry, or destitute.  I'm a college graduate with a part-time job, which pays all my bills except rent which my mom covers.  And perhaps that's the most important part of this whole thing.  I'm not looking for a free ride, I don't want to receive government assistance or be labeled as a charity case.  There are SO MANY much more deserving/needy people in the world who need it more than me.  And yet I'm still stuck in this situation despite the bright potential of my existence.

What should people like me do???

I feel obligated to shift my gaze to how I can continue being an Amazon during this obstacle, because it's just an obstacle and not a permanent detour in my life.  [ALWAYS STAY POSITIVE AMAZONS!]  I'll work to incorporate more zero-impact exercises into my fitness regime.  I've got some great fat-burning yoga poses that I'm sure are worth checking out.  I hate swimming but if I can gain access to a pool at some point it's something that I would be willing to attempt (again).

The ironic thing is that I had just gotten to a point where I was running 3 miles without much difficulty and I was actually enjoying it!  But I fear that it was said running that caused this sudden return of my knee problems.  That doesn't mean I'll stop in the long run, after all "Pain is weakness the body."  Step back, assess, change the approach, go forth.

Amazons, don't let obstacles (big or small, whatever they may be) stop you.  You can't, YOU MUST NOT.  Excuses show that you are weak and you are not weak.

This has been a catharsis for me, truly.  I feel much less down-on-myself than I did an hour ago.  The  weekend is nearly here and I plan on making the most of our weekend getaway!  Perhaps I'll do a fat-burning yoga routine tomorrow morning before we depart...


Until next time Amazons!
xoxoxo

Time Flies

Dear Amazonians I would like to offer you my sincerest apologies for the LARGE gap that has formed since my last (and first post).  I hope you didn't fear that I had succumbed to my illness.  No, rather I have been incredibly busy with the regimented schedule that is my life.


Monday - Friday: Wake up at 5AM.  Start coffee maker; turn on tv; make breakfast; eat; get dressed; workout; shower; go to work; come home.

I am a Creature of Habit and I believe that this is actually very beneficial when maintaining a healthy lifestyle.  Rarely do I feel tempted to break out of my rut of healthiness and it's very easy to wake up before dawn now because, well, I've been doing it for months.

Perhaps some of you are a little turned off right now because "good golly gosh that sounds like an awful existence!"  I promise it's not.  Do I look miserable? I LOVE THIS!


Speaking of love, today is Valentine's Day.  Hugs and kisses and fluffy baby animals abound.

Amazons Get Sick?!?

I didn't think I could be beaten down by a cold.  Usually when I do succumb to an illness, it's something like food poisoning or the Black Plague (kidding).  But a cold?  Clearly I've been too cocky.

How fitting then that the first thing we're learning is that everyone has weaknesses.

I didn't go to the gym yesterday because I was horizontal on various soft surfaces in my apartment for the better part of the day.  Didn't go to work either.  In fact the only time I left the confines of my apartment was to grab the Get-Well care package that my Amazonian sister brought me.

So today I went to work.  I also went to the gym before that, though it was a lackluster workout but better than nothing.  And all throughout the day I have been sounding as though I'm coughing up a lung.  It's really a lovely sound, especially if you're lucky enough to be share the immediate office space with me.  So sorry F & C!


I confess though that perhaps I was running myself a little harder than I should have.  That and the fact that I'm currently being employed by a hospital...