Getting comfortable with reality

The time since my last post has witnessed a lot of change.  Good and...not so good.

• I received a full-time job in the office where I had previously been working part-time.  I'm now a contributing member of society and I've been able to cast aside some of my woes. (Keyword: some, because what's life without a little drama?)

• I bought my first car.  His name is Rudi and he's a silver VW Jetta (aka baby Audi).  He's my main man and I love speeding down the freeway with him.

• I'm once again an Amazon on the prowl.  This is a very mixed bag.

It's been an interesting transition from spring to summer to fall.  People in the know ask how I'm doing, which in itself is an interesting question-

When you ask someone "How are you?" what do you expect to hear?  "I'm good, thanks" or "Well, I've been better."  Do people ask with sincerity or just formality?  I know that I myself am guilty of this.  It's such an automatic exchange of pleasantries that even if I'm feeling down I don't think I'd unleash my melancholia on someone.  This is a sad commentary on society if it's the norm these days.  I want people to tell me if they're having a bad day; let me try and take your mind off things for a brief moment or two.  Oppositely, I'd like to know that someone sincerely wants to know how I'm doing rather than giving me an opportunity to practice my stoicism.

Given this, I try and temper the honesty.  I don't always flash a bright smile and say that everything is dandelions and sunshine.  I'll confess to stumbling a few times.  I'm also guilty of taking a less than desirable situation and turning it into something far worse than the reality at hand.

When I'm reminded of the generous people who surround me, it gets a little brighter.  I believe that's the key.  It's a constant struggle but this was never guaranteed to be easy.  That's what makes Amazons so awesome anyways, right?  Our ability to overcome.


bis bald

Curveball Ahead

Not this most recent weekend, but the weekend before I was blindsided by some news that I was NOT expecting.  And while the immediate shock numbed a lot of it, and it's taken me awhile to process the information, reality is starting to set in and my world has surely been rocked.

The specific details aren't important because anyone can relate to what it feels like to take a curveball head-on and walk away hurting.  Sufficed to say, one of my biggest fears could be coming true again and it's left me feeling vulnerable and weak and inadequate.


And I hate that feeling.


I hate feeling as though I'm crumbling from within.  The gym can only take me so far and then I must rely on my own inner strength to carry me the rest of the journey.  The dread comes not from fearing that this will persist forever, but instead that I don't know how long it will endure.

My Amazon sister gave me some wonderful advice (in poetry form, no less!) today as we were lamenting these latest woes.  I'm happy to say that it lifted my spirits, even if only momentarily, and I was reminded of the incredible strength that we can derive from our closest friends.

Hopefully each and every one of us have at least one or two of these remarkable people in our lives and I can't stress enough how important it is to keep them close.  I rarely cry in front of people (chalk it up to my ego) but I know I can let my guard down with this select few.

Additionally I have learned that there is nothing wrong with admitting pain.  It's taken me a long time to get to this point but I can (somewhat) comfortably admit that "I'm not in a good place" if that's how I happen to be feeling.

I hope this provides you with a small bit of comfort if/when you deal with your own curveball.  By nature we cannot predict them and therefore they usually strike harder than we'd like.  So accept that you've been hit.  Let the sting sink in and spread until your eyes well up with tears.  And then let someone give you a hand back up onto your feet.


I'm not out of the woods yet, perhaps I've only just begun the journey through, but I'll find my way again.


In the meantime, I have to learn how to "take care of me."  I have no idea what that means but everyone keeps telling me to do so.  More to come...