Dear Amazons, yesterday I embarked on the ultimate of journeys, facing a challenge that makes even the strongest among shudder internally. Of course, this deed that I speak of is none other than swimsuit shopping.Ugh. I was totally in the zone ahead of time, thinking about how I hadn't done this in quite a few year (for good reason) and how this year would inevitably be different because even I can see how I've put on lean muscle and am in the best shape of my life.
HA. That's all I can say. If it hadn't been so depressing, I would have laughed. But there was no laughing. Because as I looked at myself in the mirror, cast in that awful dressing room light, I was comparing myself to the VS Angels who saunter down the runway in their itsy, bitsy, teeny, weeny whatevers and that's not what reflected back at me.
I do not have a bikini body in the sense that I do not fill out a bikini the way that the "perfect human specimen according to VS" does. I have a body from spending 3 mornings a week in the weight room and another 3 days powering through the cardio. My thighs are not shapely (no thigh gap here) they are muscular, initially taking shape from years of soccer before I recently began honing in on them to reduce my chronic knee pain. I do squats. I pedal on the stationary bike until I feel my glutes and quads burning. And afterwards I check my own legs out in the mirror. They are strong legs.
These legs don't look good in a teensy weensy bikini bottom because they dwarf it.
My chest does not generously fill out a bikini top. Actually it's amusing to see how little I have going up on top. And I'd rather avoid the pieces that promise to add 2 cups instantly (!). Because as badly as I wanted boobs when I was younger, the reality is that I'll never have to invest in sports bras.
Though I am ashamed to confess this, I will for the good of us all, and say that as I stood there in the dressing rooms of Sports Authority, Macy's, and finally Nordstrom I couldn't help but think "well I guess I should watch what I eat, cut out more carbs, eat less sugar, blah blah blah." Wait just one fucking minute. Do you have any idea just what my diet already looks like??? Only the smallest part of my daily sustenance could be considered processed, leaving the rest to be mostly organic whole foods. That doesn't leave a whole lot of wiggle room. And that's because the standard that I'm holding myself to is fictitious, unattainable, and potentially hazardous to my health. So no, there's nothing wrong with what I'm doing and I came to that conclusion (fortunately rather quickly) all on my own. And then it became a matter of finding the pieces that worked with my body, not the other way around.
I ended up with a simple top (no triangle cups to sag limply) and bottoms that were similar to my spandex gym shorts (yes). A style that isn't flashy or bedazzled or ruffled but it's what worked and that's what matters.
Something else fueling my confidence in the face of these twisted ideals? I've been the recipient of enough attention from the opposite sex that I know I don't have to be a fucking supermodel to distract the heck out of them. Let's get real, and I mean REALLY real. How many of us have had really hot sex? You know, the kind where you know, know, that everything about your body drives your partner wild. Raise your hands. *raises own hand* Okay, now how many of us look like Heidi and Gisele? *crickets chirping* Hmm...I see. Well that settles that.
I do this for me. I have had a really rocky time of things pertaining to my fitness (or lack thereof') as a child and body image in general. It's only just now starting to be something that doesn't send me into a downward spiral. It's not easy for a lot of us to walk around in our underwear when the world is bombarded by what the "ideal" sexy body.
I do this because I have never felt stronger or more empowered and in control of my emotions than I do now. And that's with size-A boobs, knock-knees, a gut that enjoys red meat, and legs that give me away as an athlete. I am me. You are you. Tell the twisted ideals to go eat a sandwich.
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