What am I doing between the hours of 9AM and 5PM?

I'm reaching that point in my young life where it's getting harder to dodge the questions about what I'm going to do with my life.  I've been out of school for more than a year and time hasn't slowed down yet.

I suffer from the delusion that I'm actually really old.  I have no concept of how much time lies ahead of me and as a result any kind of change seems unfeasible.   Which is total bullshit.  But that's how my mind works.

I made a nifty little flow chart (because you know I have time for this) but the jist goes like this:

• stay in the Admin field like I've been doing
• I DO have my foot in the door
• it's boring as F****
• I really don't feel accomplished
• desk = caged animal 

• switch to clinical side of healthcare
• MA, PA, etc
• it would be more dynamic
• it would probably be more satisfying, plus the added benefit of security/stability
• I DON'T have my foot in the door
• more classes/school
• start from square one

• be a personal trainer
• pretty much being paid to workout and yell at people
• yoga pants all day every day
• helping people become fit is very rewarding to me
• BUT I like nice things and stability and I don't know if this job could give me that

Really the only thing that is clear is that I'm not going to be happy if I stay on the path I'm currently on.  That's easy.  What's hard is figuring out where to go instead.

I'll never choose a job over the relationships I've formed with the people in my life; I've never been that way.  And I'm lucky to have a job right now that allows me the luxury to mull over my life without worrying about paying the bills.

Don't mind me, I'll just be mulling things over in the corner.

Happy Valentine's Day Amazons!

Yes I said it.  Happy V-A-L-E-N-T-I-N-E-S Day.  The commercialization of love is upon us!  Don't let it get you down Amazons.  On all the other days in the year, it doesn't matter if you have someone else in your life, so why should it be different on this day? 

Do Amazons let men into their lives so that they'll have a Valentine? Someone to cook them dinner on February 14.  Someone to buy them flowers and give them kisses.  Is that why you're in a relationship now?  For one day out of the year?  I'm not.

I'm not in it for the day when red and pink hearts pop up all around town, smothering passers-by with sickeningly sweet sentiments.  Don't get me wrong; I don't want to be construed as being bitter. I simply don't believe that any of this is healthy; not for people in relationships and definitely not for people who happen to be single on February 14.

If you need a reason to shower your significant other with love, adorations, etc. then perhaps you're with the wrong person.  Because I speak from experience when I say that I've spent a couple of Valentine's Days with a couple of different boyfriends and being together on that day didn't mean much in the grand scheme of things.

Case in point:  One Valentine's Day my boyfriend-at-the-time came over to my apartment and cooked me a lovely dinner.  He brought me red roses and we had chocolate fondue for dessert.  Wonderful evening.  Two months later, he told me that he didn't feel the relationship was going to go the distance (paraphrasing of course). 

Umm...what?  Excuse me.  That's not how this works.  You see, you were romantic on Valentine's Day, therefore we are bound by the laws of chalk-like candy hearts and all things Dove Chocolate to be together forever.  I. WISH.

When I was younger, and more naive, and less like an Amazon, I used this day as a barometer of the success of my life.  Because we're nothing if no one wants to date us, right?  WRONG.  I finally realized that this year.  And it makes me proud that I see my in-relationship friends and don't think "Goddamn I hate you and your lovey-dovey significant other and aren't you two just the cutest fucking things in the world and I want to barf now."  This year, rather, I think "Good for you!" and continue on with my life.  And when I see my single friends I think "Power to you!"

The next time I'm in a relationship when Valentine's Day rolls around, I hope it will be nice.  Maybe he'll cook me dinner (because cooks are hot) and maybe he'll bring me flowers (because I do like flowers).  But I'd want him to cook me dinner on other days too.  And I'll gladly accept flowers on February 15 and March 3 and November 12.  Because I like flowers on any day of the year. '

That is what I want to convey to Amazons everywhere.  Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to go eat some more chocolate.

Polar Plunge, 6 months, plus sometimes it's a little rocky.

Okay so the rocky mention in the title refers to the embarrassing, shameful, and humiliating performance by the Denver Broncos in the Super Bowl tonight.  Bleh.  End of that story.

On to more empowering news, 6 months come and gone.  I'm here!  I haven't crawled into a hole to become a hermit.  He didn't win.

I rarely think about him anymore and when I do it's something along the lines of "I'm really glad we're not together" or "You need to figure out how to be happy, I can't have that kind of toxicity in my life."  It feels awesome.  It feels awesome because it used to bring me to tears thinking about him.  About the memories we shared and how it came crashing down in the end.  But that doesn't happen any more.

Today I'm stronger than I was 6 months ago.  I'm fiercer and more determined than ever before.  And I see that relationship for what it was: not what I deserved.  It shouldn't be like pulling teeth to get someone to spend time with me.  But I was blinded by emotion and didn't want to accept reality.  I didn't want to accept the reality that I gave a year of my life to someone that didn't want to make the same investments as I did.  To be fair, I can't blame someone for wanting to be free to live life to the fullest.  To see the world, to travel, to experience once in a lifetime moments.  Some things can't be achieved when you've got the commitment of a monogamous relationship.  I can however blame someone for leading me on for a year.  But that's in the past.

Because now I am a sexier, more confident Amazon on the prowl.  Looking to enjoy life by eating well, breathing deeply, and making memories with my fellow Amazons.

So let's mark this 6 month milestone with pride!

Yesterday my coworker and I did the Seattle Special Olympics Polar Plunge.  What an amazing experience; even after doing twice before I never fail to get that feeling afterwards, the feeling that tells me "Yeah!  This is a great cause and I'm so proud to support this year after year!"

The two of us raised over $1000 and the event as a whole raised over $100,000.  So many Special Olympics athletes will benefit from this fundraiser and I will continue to do this for the foreseeable future.

Because Amazons give back.

bis bald

TGIF...right?

What a mixed emotions kind of day. Really empowering, university-wide kettlebell event today got the heart racing and definitely led to some team bonding in the office.

But rather than bask in the glow of a Friday evening well deserved, I find myself worrying over a package of sentimental items that has yet to arrive.  Now in all fairness, it was 2-3 day shipping and today was the 3rd day.  But it's more the irreplaceable contents that has me feeling so angsty.  Broncos swag from, among other things, my first trip to Denver.  And the Broncos logo that I made in Woodshop.  That is without a doubt one-of-a-kind and I desperately want it to arrive in one piece.  I try to remind myself that the box is just filled with stuff and that while I might want it, things are only so important.  Intangible things are worth far more.  So I'm trying to focus on this, trying to tell myself that worrying isn't going to change the whereabouts of the package so I'll just have to hope that it shows up soon.

Because I've got so many other things that I could dwell on instead.  Dreaming of a dear friend who alludes to the fact that there could be something more.  What the fuck brain?  I think it's because I was reading Book 2 of the Hunger Games and the whole "Gale-Peeta-Katniss" triangle must have wormed it's way into my subconscious.  But really, that's so distracting.  And confusing.  And I can't even begin to describe how I feel about it because it's so totally outrageous.  And did I mention confusing?

Then, with someone else, I feel like we're walking this very fine line between friendly banter and beating around a very dangerous bush.  To be honest I'm really not in a position to be picky when a decently attractive, single male presents himself at my Amazonian feet.  Seriously, don't tease a caged animal.  But the whole thing just seems so very strange.  Because maybe I would go for that (him) if the opportunity arose.  Maybe.  Assuming it does.  Which I kinda hope it doesn't.

I'm so very antisocial these days.  It's pretty shameful if it didn't seem like something I liked.  I don't want to go out after a long week.  I want to go back to my apartment, lock the door, and enjoy the fact that I don't have to wake up at 4:45AM the next morning.  So while my social life curled up and died a long time ago, I'm not overly broken up about it's passing.  Sure, I wish I wasn't lonely.  But I love just curling up with a book and reading the night away.

Which brings me to my final point, since I'm feeling so very wise.  I'm beginning to wonder if this is a point in my life where I need to be single.  Because I feel as though I'm on the cusp of realizing a great deal about myself if I give myself the opportunity.  I'm semi-independent.  I don't need anyone to help me pass the time.  I've got my main man Rudi for whenever I want to get out and see the world.  And I'm finally recognizing that I really don't want someone in my life just for the sake of being in a relationship.  That's worked out so well in the past after all.  And with each and every end to those relationships, I've added a little more wisdom to my soul.  I know what I want a little bit better, I know what I'll never stand for, I know what I deserve, and I know what makes me happy.  But that's surely not the end to things.

Amazons can't waste their time on mere mortals.  Maybe I have high standards.  But maybe society's standards aren't high enough.  You want me to settle?  Hell no.  So up your game and bring me your best.  Because I'm cocky enough to know that I should have to settle but humble enough to know that I need to woo you too.

So please form an orderly line and wait your turn.  And let me see what society has to offer.  But I'm in no rush.  You see, I brought a book with me so I'm quite content to wait until the right one comes along.

bis bald.

Feelings almost 6 months later

I came to the realization a week or so ago that it had been 5 months since the break up.  The break up that was preceded by a talk months earlier that set the stage for things to come.  In all honesty, that little chat late one Saturday night was far worse than the actual break up.  I saw the split coming; the writing was on the wall.  The talk.  The talk came at me from way out in left field and bludgeoned my heart to smithereens.

So I realized that it had been 5 months since I sat at Greenlake with my all-of-a-sudden-ex where we bawled our eyes out at the sad reality.  And it was really sad.  It was tragic to think that all of the memories had culminated in the heartbreaking realization that it wasn't going to work out.  Heartbreaking for me at least.  I can't speak for the other party.

But when I realized that it had been 5 months, I got this strange feeling inside of me.  Strange, because it didn't make me sad to think about how that was the last time I was in a relationship.  In fact, it filled me with pride that I had triumphed over that heartbreak.  And that I'm doing okay for myself these days.  I mean I think I speak for all of us when I say, I sure do wish I had a hunky man and sprawling mansion and money piled sky high.  That would be nice.  But here I am with what I've got.  And it's okay.

I've learned a bit more about what I want.  Looking back I can see all the things that didn't work for me; I can recognize what I will and won't choose going forward.  And I won't be naive in thinking that I know someone well after just one year.

I've got new hobbies: I like to go to UW soccer games and cheer rambunctiously.  I like to sit in a park with some lunch and enjoy the quiet, while observing the ducks.  I rekindled my love affair with books and it's getting pretty torrid.  I like to hike and feel the burn in my quads as I venture through nature.

And I can feel pretty pathetic sometimes.  That nasty part of the mind always breaks through now and then.  And when it does, I want to throw all these realizations out the window.  I want to drop the bar to ground level just so that I may have someone to keep me company.  And that's when I tell myself: well, aren't you being a little picky?  A little too picky maybe?  You can't have your cake AND eat it too, you know.

But I can.  And I want to.  And I will.  Because eventually that voice is pushed back into the recesses of my skull and I pick up that bar and I place it back at its appropriate level.  And I vow that certain standards have to be met.  Will be met.  This isn't supposed to be easy.  Nothing worthwhile is easy.  And I take comfort in the fact that stick to these standards.  Because the scared girl from California, that first arrived at UW in the fall of 2009, didn't have those standards.  Didn't respect herself enough to say no to the things that weren't perfect, rather she said yes to everything in the hopes that the loneliness would be chased away.

I hate being single.  I hated from the moment I was dumped by my first boyfriend.  It was an awful abyss and I couldn't escape it fast enough.  Each month that passed me by was a biting reminder that I had yet to find someone who liked me.  It was a measure of how utterly unlikable I was.  Because isn't it?  "If you don't have someone, there must be something wrong with you."  That's what I told myself.  And the mistakes that kind of thinking leads to is evidenced by my relationship history.

I still hate being single.  That will never change.  But what has changed is how I perceive the passing of time.  I almost see it as a badge to display proudly.  "Look at me world!  Look at these standards that I have!  Look at that bar that shall not be lowered.  I will not settle for anything less than my Prince Charming riding up on a dapple grey Percheron to sweep me off my feet and carry me back to our estate in Bavaria!"  Too much? Well you get the idea.  So when the beginning of February rolls around, I can look at my calendar with satisfaction that it's been 6 months and the bar is still in place.