Dream Come True

Amazons tomorrow is a huge day!!!  Tomorrow we leave for Portland in anticipation of the 2014 MLS All-Star Match  gegen die Bayern!!!  (Whoops, sorry for slipping into the German mid-sentence).  I'd also like it noted that my boys (read: German National Football Team) won the 2014 World Cup just a few short weeks ago.  It is a gooooood time to be a German fan; a just reward after many years of patience and frustration.

But now on to the looming excitement: TOMORROW!!!  Have I mentioned how lucky I feel to have such an amazing boyfriend in my life?  Because he's the reason I get to have this dream come true.

Rewind: We went down to SD for my birthday (great great vacation for so many reasons) and right before we left he hands me this cardboard box, not quite a foot long, a couple inches across and VERY light.  As in, there-doesn't-seem-to-be-anything-in-this-box-light.  And he says, "Happy Birthday, I got you an empty box."  I jokingly shrug it off but all the while before my birthday he's going on and on about how he really should find something to put in the box.

Him: "Can I put your phone in the box?" Me: "No."
Him: "Can I put an orange in the box?" Me: "No."
Him: "I really need to find something to put in the box." Me: "$%@#$%"

I'll admit he had me a little worried.  The rational part of me kept reminding me that he's a very loving, thoughtful guy and failing to get me a birthday present would be quite incendiary.  But at the same time I thought, "What if he didn't actually get me anything?  Should I mentally start preparing for this?"

So my birthday arrives and I'm sitting on the kitchen counter (yes you read that correctly) while my mom makes breakfast and he hands me the box.  The infamous, light-as-a-feather box.  I should add that I got a card too and it was very sweet.  But now, ON TO THE BOX. I thought I could call his bluff so I say, "Well if there's nothing in it then I can just throw it away, right?  Since it's empty."  Btu damn him and his response, "Yeah you're right, you don't have to open it since there's nothing inside."  CURSE YOU AND YOUR POKER FACE!!! 

But I can't just throw it away so I nervously grab for one of my knives and slit the box open and see that it's stuff with tissue.  Okay, I think, it's not empty empty.  I pull out the tissue on the top and that's when I see it.  The words that momentarily stop my heart.  It's the logo for the MLS All-Star Match:

I look up at him, shocked into silence as he returns my stare with a calm expression as if to say "I wouldn't actually give you an empty box for your birthday, silly."  My mother was equally shocked and I think I was a little shaky after that, simply soaking in the reality of it.

SO FUCKING EXCITED YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW.

Well needless to say I gave him a smooch or two.

So!  Tomorrow we embark around 11:30am and drive southwards towards the Rose City.  I should probably injest some kind of sedative as A) Oregonian drivers send me up a wall and B) I'm going to be so stoked that I'll otherwise be intolerable to anyone stuck in a car with me for 2+ hours.

Then we'll arrive!  Time allowing (traffic gods willing) we'll stop by the swanky hotel and drop stuff off before an early dinner and then IT'S GAME TIME!!!

A most important of the questions is which jersey I should wear.  The most recent one I have, from last season?  Or the snazzy one with the gold stripes from a couple of season ago?  And whichever jersey I don't wear to the game, I'll probably wear on Thursday when we drive back up to Seattle.

As can only be expected, I'm counting down the minutes until we leave tomorrow.

The things for which I am thankful

Thankfulness shouldn't be limited to one day in November.  One should give thanks on any given day, every day for that matter.  (Yes, this is going to be one of those cheesy posts.  But you don't have to read this.  It's my catharsis after all.)

Yesterday was moving day.  It was kind of a big deal for me.  First time living somewhere that wasn't a UW dorm or an apartment in the UDistrict.  Auf Wiedersehen college students!  Moving out of a one bedroom apartment and into a two bedroom apartment in a complex complete with pool and FITNESS CENTER!!!  It took a couple of minutes to walk to the gym this morning and it was magical.  Not to mention the complex is comprised of a wide variety of people including seniors and young families.  It's a nice change of pace after being down the street from the frats.

I'm an eighty-year old in the body of a twenty-something.  SO SUE ME.

The second bedroom means that Mama Moose can visit me once I have it furnished.  And let me tell you, it is really taking all my willpower not to spend my entire being looking at home furnishings online.  I'm totally going into nesting mode.

But now onto the more important part.  The part about being thankful.

Perhaps quantitatively I'm not the luckiest girl in the world but I sure do feel like it.  I have this amazing mother who loves and supports me unconditionally, while still making sure that my head doesn't get too big and who picks me up when I've stumbled.

I can feel safe and secure with my steadfast Rudi at my fingertips. He'll be assuming much more responsibility now that I'll commute to work via car.  I'm sure he'll enjoy revving his engine more in the coming months.

But I cannot begin to think how difficult this move would have been if I hadn't had an amazing guy at my side.  Sure I would have done it; there's no doubt about that.  I am an Amazon after all and I'm pretty capable on my own.  I'm not saying I couldn't have done it; I'm saying it would have been a completely different (and much more unpleasant) experience.  As it was, it took 3 car loads before all of the fragile stuff that the movers didn't take was in my new digs.  And my endurance definitely faltered along the way.  Where would I have been if there hadn't been snark to reinvigorate me?  It certainly would have taken me a lot longer to schlepp everything from the car up the stairs to my third story apartment.  And while maintaining a chipper mood?  If I didn't know it before, I certainly know now that he's a keeper.  But I did already know.

I'm living in an apartment in a different city, with boxes and stuff strewn every which way in every single room.  The routines don't exist yet.  The shortcuts haven't been discovered yet.  But it feels like home because of the person who fell asleep next to me last night.  That is my definition of home.  And for that I am thankful.

What am I doing between the hours of 9AM and 5PM?

I'm reaching that point in my young life where it's getting harder to dodge the questions about what I'm going to do with my life.  I've been out of school for more than a year and time hasn't slowed down yet.

I suffer from the delusion that I'm actually really old.  I have no concept of how much time lies ahead of me and as a result any kind of change seems unfeasible.   Which is total bullshit.  But that's how my mind works.

I made a nifty little flow chart (because you know I have time for this) but the jist goes like this:

• stay in the Admin field like I've been doing
• I DO have my foot in the door
• it's boring as F****
• I really don't feel accomplished
• desk = caged animal 

• switch to clinical side of healthcare
• MA, PA, etc
• it would be more dynamic
• it would probably be more satisfying, plus the added benefit of security/stability
• I DON'T have my foot in the door
• more classes/school
• start from square one

• be a personal trainer
• pretty much being paid to workout and yell at people
• yoga pants all day every day
• helping people become fit is very rewarding to me
• BUT I like nice things and stability and I don't know if this job could give me that

Really the only thing that is clear is that I'm not going to be happy if I stay on the path I'm currently on.  That's easy.  What's hard is figuring out where to go instead.

I'll never choose a job over the relationships I've formed with the people in my life; I've never been that way.  And I'm lucky to have a job right now that allows me the luxury to mull over my life without worrying about paying the bills.

Don't mind me, I'll just be mulling things over in the corner.

I'll never look like a Victoria's Secret model (and how I'm coming to terms with this)

Dear Amazons, yesterday I embarked on the ultimate of journeys, facing a challenge that makes even the strongest among shudder internally.  Of course, this deed that I speak of is none other than swimsuit shopping.

Ugh. I was totally in the zone ahead of time, thinking about how I hadn't done this in quite a few year (for good reason) and how this year would inevitably be different because even I can see how I've put on lean muscle and am in the best shape of my life.

HA.  That's all I can say.  If it hadn't been so depressing, I would have laughed.  But there was no laughing.  Because as I looked at myself in the mirror, cast in that awful dressing room light, I was comparing myself to the VS Angels who saunter down the runway in their itsy, bitsy, teeny, weeny whatevers and that's not what reflected back at me.

I do not have a bikini body in the sense that I do not fill out a bikini the way that the "perfect human specimen according to VS" does.  I have a body from spending 3 mornings a week in the weight room and another 3 days powering through the cardio.  My thighs are not shapely (no thigh gap here) they are muscular, initially taking shape from years of soccer before I recently began honing in on them to reduce my chronic knee pain.  I do squats.  I pedal on the stationary bike until I feel my glutes and quads burning.  And afterwards I check my own legs out in the mirror.  They are strong legs.

These legs don't look good in a teensy weensy bikini bottom because they dwarf it.

My chest does not generously fill out a bikini top.  Actually it's amusing to see how little I have going up on top.  And I'd rather avoid the pieces that promise to add 2 cups instantly (!).  Because as badly as I wanted boobs when I was younger, the reality is that I'll never have to invest in sports bras.

Though I am ashamed to confess this, I will for the good of us all, and say that as I stood there in the dressing rooms of Sports Authority, Macy's, and finally Nordstrom I couldn't help but think "well I guess I should watch what I eat, cut out more carbs, eat less sugar, blah blah blah."  Wait just one fucking minute.  Do you have any idea just what my diet already looks like???  Only the smallest part of my daily sustenance could be considered processed, leaving the rest to be mostly organic whole foods.  That doesn't leave a whole lot of wiggle room.  And that's because the standard that I'm holding myself to is fictitious, unattainable, and potentially hazardous to my health.  So no, there's nothing wrong with what I'm doing and I came to that conclusion (fortunately rather quickly) all on my own.  And then it became a matter of finding the pieces that worked with my body, not the other way around.

I ended up with a simple top (no triangle cups to sag limply) and bottoms that were similar to my spandex gym shorts (yes).  A style that isn't flashy or bedazzled or ruffled but it's what worked and that's what matters.

Something else fueling my confidence in the face of these twisted ideals?  I've been the recipient of enough attention from the opposite sex that I know I don't have to be a fucking supermodel to distract the heck out of them.  Let's get real, and I mean REALLY real.  How many of us have had really hot sex?  You know, the kind where you know, know, that everything about your body drives your partner wild.  Raise your hands.  *raises own hand*  Okay, now how many of us look like Heidi and Gisele?  *crickets chirping*  Hmm...I see.  Well that settles that.

I do this for me.  I have had a really rocky time of things pertaining to my fitness (or lack thereof') as a child and body image in general.  It's only just now starting to be something that doesn't send me into a downward spiral.  It's not easy for a lot of us to walk around in our underwear when the world is bombarded by what the "ideal" sexy body.

I do this because I have never felt stronger or more empowered and in control of my emotions than I do now.  And that's with size-A boobs, knock-knees, a gut that enjoys red meat, and legs that give me away as an athlete.  I am me.  You are you.  Tell the twisted ideals to go eat a sandwich.

Happy Valentine's Day Amazons!

Yes I said it.  Happy V-A-L-E-N-T-I-N-E-S Day.  The commercialization of love is upon us!  Don't let it get you down Amazons.  On all the other days in the year, it doesn't matter if you have someone else in your life, so why should it be different on this day? 

Do Amazons let men into their lives so that they'll have a Valentine? Someone to cook them dinner on February 14.  Someone to buy them flowers and give them kisses.  Is that why you're in a relationship now?  For one day out of the year?  I'm not.

I'm not in it for the day when red and pink hearts pop up all around town, smothering passers-by with sickeningly sweet sentiments.  Don't get me wrong; I don't want to be construed as being bitter. I simply don't believe that any of this is healthy; not for people in relationships and definitely not for people who happen to be single on February 14.

If you need a reason to shower your significant other with love, adorations, etc. then perhaps you're with the wrong person.  Because I speak from experience when I say that I've spent a couple of Valentine's Days with a couple of different boyfriends and being together on that day didn't mean much in the grand scheme of things.

Case in point:  One Valentine's Day my boyfriend-at-the-time came over to my apartment and cooked me a lovely dinner.  He brought me red roses and we had chocolate fondue for dessert.  Wonderful evening.  Two months later, he told me that he didn't feel the relationship was going to go the distance (paraphrasing of course). 

Umm...what?  Excuse me.  That's not how this works.  You see, you were romantic on Valentine's Day, therefore we are bound by the laws of chalk-like candy hearts and all things Dove Chocolate to be together forever.  I. WISH.

When I was younger, and more naive, and less like an Amazon, I used this day as a barometer of the success of my life.  Because we're nothing if no one wants to date us, right?  WRONG.  I finally realized that this year.  And it makes me proud that I see my in-relationship friends and don't think "Goddamn I hate you and your lovey-dovey significant other and aren't you two just the cutest fucking things in the world and I want to barf now."  This year, rather, I think "Good for you!" and continue on with my life.  And when I see my single friends I think "Power to you!"

The next time I'm in a relationship when Valentine's Day rolls around, I hope it will be nice.  Maybe he'll cook me dinner (because cooks are hot) and maybe he'll bring me flowers (because I do like flowers).  But I'd want him to cook me dinner on other days too.  And I'll gladly accept flowers on February 15 and March 3 and November 12.  Because I like flowers on any day of the year. '

That is what I want to convey to Amazons everywhere.  Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to go eat some more chocolate.

Polar Plunge, 6 months, plus sometimes it's a little rocky.

Okay so the rocky mention in the title refers to the embarrassing, shameful, and humiliating performance by the Denver Broncos in the Super Bowl tonight.  Bleh.  End of that story.

On to more empowering news, 6 months come and gone.  I'm here!  I haven't crawled into a hole to become a hermit.  He didn't win.

I rarely think about him anymore and when I do it's something along the lines of "I'm really glad we're not together" or "You need to figure out how to be happy, I can't have that kind of toxicity in my life."  It feels awesome.  It feels awesome because it used to bring me to tears thinking about him.  About the memories we shared and how it came crashing down in the end.  But that doesn't happen any more.

Today I'm stronger than I was 6 months ago.  I'm fiercer and more determined than ever before.  And I see that relationship for what it was: not what I deserved.  It shouldn't be like pulling teeth to get someone to spend time with me.  But I was blinded by emotion and didn't want to accept reality.  I didn't want to accept the reality that I gave a year of my life to someone that didn't want to make the same investments as I did.  To be fair, I can't blame someone for wanting to be free to live life to the fullest.  To see the world, to travel, to experience once in a lifetime moments.  Some things can't be achieved when you've got the commitment of a monogamous relationship.  I can however blame someone for leading me on for a year.  But that's in the past.

Because now I am a sexier, more confident Amazon on the prowl.  Looking to enjoy life by eating well, breathing deeply, and making memories with my fellow Amazons.

So let's mark this 6 month milestone with pride!

Yesterday my coworker and I did the Seattle Special Olympics Polar Plunge.  What an amazing experience; even after doing twice before I never fail to get that feeling afterwards, the feeling that tells me "Yeah!  This is a great cause and I'm so proud to support this year after year!"

The two of us raised over $1000 and the event as a whole raised over $100,000.  So many Special Olympics athletes will benefit from this fundraiser and I will continue to do this for the foreseeable future.

Because Amazons give back.

bis bald

TGIF...right?

What a mixed emotions kind of day. Really empowering, university-wide kettlebell event today got the heart racing and definitely led to some team bonding in the office.

But rather than bask in the glow of a Friday evening well deserved, I find myself worrying over a package of sentimental items that has yet to arrive.  Now in all fairness, it was 2-3 day shipping and today was the 3rd day.  But it's more the irreplaceable contents that has me feeling so angsty.  Broncos swag from, among other things, my first trip to Denver.  And the Broncos logo that I made in Woodshop.  That is without a doubt one-of-a-kind and I desperately want it to arrive in one piece.  I try to remind myself that the box is just filled with stuff and that while I might want it, things are only so important.  Intangible things are worth far more.  So I'm trying to focus on this, trying to tell myself that worrying isn't going to change the whereabouts of the package so I'll just have to hope that it shows up soon.

Because I've got so many other things that I could dwell on instead.  Dreaming of a dear friend who alludes to the fact that there could be something more.  What the fuck brain?  I think it's because I was reading Book 2 of the Hunger Games and the whole "Gale-Peeta-Katniss" triangle must have wormed it's way into my subconscious.  But really, that's so distracting.  And confusing.  And I can't even begin to describe how I feel about it because it's so totally outrageous.  And did I mention confusing?

Then, with someone else, I feel like we're walking this very fine line between friendly banter and beating around a very dangerous bush.  To be honest I'm really not in a position to be picky when a decently attractive, single male presents himself at my Amazonian feet.  Seriously, don't tease a caged animal.  But the whole thing just seems so very strange.  Because maybe I would go for that (him) if the opportunity arose.  Maybe.  Assuming it does.  Which I kinda hope it doesn't.

I'm so very antisocial these days.  It's pretty shameful if it didn't seem like something I liked.  I don't want to go out after a long week.  I want to go back to my apartment, lock the door, and enjoy the fact that I don't have to wake up at 4:45AM the next morning.  So while my social life curled up and died a long time ago, I'm not overly broken up about it's passing.  Sure, I wish I wasn't lonely.  But I love just curling up with a book and reading the night away.

Which brings me to my final point, since I'm feeling so very wise.  I'm beginning to wonder if this is a point in my life where I need to be single.  Because I feel as though I'm on the cusp of realizing a great deal about myself if I give myself the opportunity.  I'm semi-independent.  I don't need anyone to help me pass the time.  I've got my main man Rudi for whenever I want to get out and see the world.  And I'm finally recognizing that I really don't want someone in my life just for the sake of being in a relationship.  That's worked out so well in the past after all.  And with each and every end to those relationships, I've added a little more wisdom to my soul.  I know what I want a little bit better, I know what I'll never stand for, I know what I deserve, and I know what makes me happy.  But that's surely not the end to things.

Amazons can't waste their time on mere mortals.  Maybe I have high standards.  But maybe society's standards aren't high enough.  You want me to settle?  Hell no.  So up your game and bring me your best.  Because I'm cocky enough to know that I should have to settle but humble enough to know that I need to woo you too.

So please form an orderly line and wait your turn.  And let me see what society has to offer.  But I'm in no rush.  You see, I brought a book with me so I'm quite content to wait until the right one comes along.

bis bald.